Apparently I have Dermatographia, which essentially means that I’m allergic to skin injury. Well, more correctly, it means that my skin produces hives in reaction to being scratched or hit or exposed to extreme temperatures, but really, that sounds an awful lot like being allergic to injury to me. And I applaud my body on its choice of allergy. This is far more logical than being allergic to, say, eggs. Eggs are good for you. Eggs are a pain to avoid. Skin injuries, on the other hand, have no real up-side, so I’m totally on board with being allergic to them.

Apparently, my Dermatographia has gone “haywire.” (That’s the technical term, as used by my brand new-to-me dermatologist.) Apparently now all it can take to induce hives is brushing up against something, feeling a breeze, getting warm or cold, or wearing clothes. In other words, now I’m allergic to the sense of touch.

I’ll take Ridiculous But Hilarious Diagnoses for $1000, please.