I can’t sleep. I’ve tried. I’ll try again soon, but I thought that while I was up anyway I’d stop concentrating on trying to sleep (“why aren’t you asleep… SLEEP WOMAN… please… pretty please?… you’re so tired…” wasn’t really helping anything) and I’d start concentrating on anything else that came to hand.

My laptop came to hand.

Not that I have much to say.

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My sister put a wedding dress on hold. I’ve seen a picture, and I couldn’t believe how beautiful she looked in it. And even if she doesn’t end up buying that particular dress, that style of dress will be stunning on her.

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Today was pretty awful, but not for any good reason. Nothing bad happened to me. I was just tired and cranky and felt really crummy and was late getting to work. Then drama happened, followed by more drama, followed by new and different drama, and all of it was smashed into a day when I only had two and a half unscheduled hours at work. And while none of the drama happened to me, actually, that didn’t seem to matter to my mood. Moods are not reasonable things, and today mine decided that it’d been a while since my last full-out funk and that it was time to make up for lost time. Not fun.

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I spent most of today cold and shivery. I really should come to terms with the fact that it’s not summer any more and start wearing fall clothes. But I think I need some new fall clothes, and I don’t want to go shopping.

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Things weren’t all bad today. Some people I respect paid me some pretty flattering compliments, and they did so when they thought I wouldn’t find out. Which made things much more flattering. I also topped 600 subscribers to my professional blog for the first time, and I discovered that it had been assigned yet again as required reading in a graduate course. That’s both very cool and very intimidating. So yeah, it wasn’t all bad today.

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There’s a spider that’s been building it’s nest across the patio door all summer. Every day I open the door to water the potted plants. Every day this rips her nest apart. Every day she repairs it. She doesn’t even seem to be very surprised by the process, or care that if she moved 3 inches to the left, her life would suddenly be so much less tiring.

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Tomorrow is a new day, and a Friday at that. Maybe I’ll build my nest 3 inches to the left tomorrow.

I wish I knew what to hope for. I’ve been waiting six weeks for tomorrow, and now I realize that not only am I unsure that I’ll learn anything of substance, but I’m also not sure whether to hope that they’ll find out what’s been making me feel crummy or that they’ll find out that nothing’s wrong. Either way seems depressing. And so I’m caught sitting here and worrying about tomorrow.

I also wish I knew how to keep myself afloat while feeling crummy. Currently I just withdraw, which is stupid because then I’m lonely and feel crummy. But I haven’t mastered the trick of being social just then without also being whiny and completely self-absorbed, so I’m caught sitting on the sidelines, unfit for company and unfit to be alone.

Thank goodness for friends who’ll come sit with me anyway. And send me virtual chocolate. And tell me not to worry about tomorrow until tomorrow. And generally be good friends.

And that, fair reader, was the designated whine for today.

Today, I got something that I’ve been craving for a long time. I got a day of just hanging out with a friend. Nothing compares with the luxury of being able to just drift through a day, talk about everything and nothing, and look up in surprise to find that the entire afternoon has flown by.