All posts by Iris

Rush

Somehow, even while doing such odd things as eating a potluck picnic while discussing Homer, whether or not Finnish is related to Japanese, Asterix and Obelix, and my cousin’s propensity to run out into traffic after frisbees, the strangest part of the day was watching wave upon wave of perspective sorority girls walk past us on their way to the next sorority house. I’d never witnessed a Rush day before. In fact, before today it had remained one of those hypothetical and borderline fictional parts of college life that makes its way into movies and TV shows but that had never yet intruded into my concept of reality. I couldn’t look away. It’s not every day fiction becomes manifest in the middle of a picnic.

Some of these prospective sorority sisters walked in large groups, competing for limited space in each sorority, but putting their differences aside long enough to cluster for comfort on the long walk between potential rejections. Others walked alone, seeming to mull their previous interviews over, point by point, to the rhythm of the passing blocks of pavement. Each one looked exactly like every magazine spread I’ve seen, perfectly straight hair falling just so, over-sized bags slung over their shoulders, flawless makeup. (Each one except one, that is. One was dressed in stylish jeans, an orange tank top, and flat sandals. She intrigued me.)

In the midst of these waves of girls, one set decided to cross the street in the middle of the block. First one girl darted out into the break in traffic, then two more, than five or six more, and soon the whole flock was trailing across the street. I could just imagine the mess of belts and oversized earrings, shoes and purses that would be on our hands when the guys driving (quite coincidentally, I’m sure) up and down the street and keeping his eyes on the girls rather than the lane in front of him, would miss the fact that some of the girls were actually in the road and would inadvertently send them flying toward the curb.

Done

Once upon a time, I got mad. Really mad. It doesn’t happen often. In fact, that was probably the first time, and I was already well into adulthood. But the guy had painted me into his version of the nuthouse with his broad generalizations, and when I tried to explain where he’d gone wrong, he just painted with broader strokes and crowed at his own intellectual superiority.

Just recently I got mad for a second time, and for remarkably similar reasons. The three main differences were that this argument wasn’t about politics, this time I was far more mad, and that this time I called the guy an ass. I don’t think I’ve ever called anyone an ass before, and I hope never to feel compelled to repeat the performance.

I’m not very good at being mad at people. It takes a lot of energy, and it’s probably not worth the effort. Making things worse, I’ve been mad so rarely that I’m unpracticed at the emotion, so I found myself going over and over the experience, trying to figure out what had happened. But I can’t sustain that for long, either, so I think I’ve called it quits. There are far too many other things that need my mental and physical energy just now.

Stray Kitten

A co-worker and I decided to walk into town for lunch today. We were just getting started, still wondering where to eat as we approached the first intersection in town, when suddenly we were yelled at, quite insistently and surprisingly forcefully, by a kitten under a thorn bush.

“I BET YOU’RE TOO CHICKEN TO WALK PAST ME,” the kitten seemed to scream. “OH YEAH. I MEAN YOU. I’M NOT SCARED AT ALL, I TELL YOU. NOT. AT. ALL. I’M BIG. I’M STRONG. YOU WOULDN’T DARE WALK PAST ME. (please don’t walk past me. please)”

And so we stopped.

Our plan was to be non-threatening and to entice the kitten out from under the thorn bush. I got out my earbuds to use as a make-shift cat toy, and both of us sat down and refrained from facing the kitten directly or even looking straight at it.

And we sat. … And sat… And the kitten rolled on its back and played with leaves and meowed and poked its nose out at us. It even took a teeny nap, happy as long as we were in sight but pretty sure that we couldn’t be trusted (and on that point he was right, actually).

Our plan didn’t go beyond “entice out” so I’m kind of glad all of this didn’t work. What would we have done with a freaked out kitten and its 20 claws and many teeth?

After a while, my co-worker went out to find food for both of us (which reminds me, I owe her a meal!), and when she got back, I left to drive home and collect a cat carrier and some cat food. The carrier ended up being superfluous, but the food was quite another story. That little kitten ate in 5 minutes as much as my gigantic cat eats for breakfast! He didn’t even leave off eating when a bicyclist peddled past.

Tomorrow I’ll go back, and I’ll be armed with food, a carrier, and maybe a towel.

Today’s bits and pieces

Today I’m begging off of doing something important in favor of doing something fun. I feel guilty enough about that to have to write it down so that I can stop reciting it to myself over and over, but I don’t feel guilty enough to change my mind and do the important thing.

My head hurts. Again. It hurt all day yesterday, too. Mei poked about 8 needles into my heels that made it miraculously go away for a few hours, but now it’s back. It’s not as bad today, though. Yesterday I alternated between working and resting my head on my desk. Today I think I’ll just work. And pop pills.

I read an email this morning that made me sad. It was supposed to make me happy. It was full of complementary words and brimming with love. But there was a desperate edge to that love that made me cry. I hate it that I’ve been so distant lately that people have to wonder if I still care about them.

It’s a beautiful day outside. I hope to spend some time out in it.

I have a bunch of projects to work on, but so far there seem to be so many of them that I can’t get a good start on any one of them. This is purely my brain playing games with me, I know, because really, I could just pick one and work on it. I really should pick one of the ones that needs to get done this week, seeing as this week is nearly over, having been swallowed nearly whole by the Project From Hell.

But my head hurts, and somehow that matters.

But I am hardly sorry for them…

The Sunday morning liturgy was a comfortable and yet baffling thing when I was five or six. I couldn’t remember a time when I hadn’t known it by heart.

Today I can’t remember a time when I chose to color rather than imitate the grown-ups as they worshipped, though I assume that my younger siblings weren’t the first in the family to have little bags with crayons and scratch paper, weren’t the first to snatch up copies of the children’s bulletin and have to weigh the relative merits of finishing the coloring pages as soon as the family sat down or to wait for the interminable sermon to get underway.

Imitation often prompted long serious ponderings on the way home, though, since there were a couple of pieces of the liturgy that I couldn’t reconcile with sound theology. I couldn’t figure out, for example, why we sang “God rest ye Mary, gentlemen.” Perhaps this was a mis-categorized epiphany piece and then the wise men could be the gentlemen that were there with Mary. There were also shepherds around, though I wouldn’t have thought of them as gentlemen. Still, maybe they’d earned that rise in status due to their proximity to Jesus’ birth. (Years later, when I could finally read well and fast enough to do so while singing along, “merry gentlemen” made everything so much clearer.)

I also developed a complicated theology based on a line from the confession of sins. I puzzled and puzzled over my weekly pronouncement, “But I am hardly sorry for them, and sincerely repent of them.” Why, why why would I tell God that I wasn’t sorry for these sins? Any kid knows that the first thing you do is say you’re really sorry for whatever-it-is you’d done. That’s how you get forgiven.

Then I figured it out. Since God could see what I was thinking, he’d know if I wasn’t sorry enough, so the best course of action was to be brutally honest. Moreover, I was pretty sure people could never be sorry enough for their sins, so this was a good default statement.

After sincerely confessing my lack of ability to repent sincerely for many years, I finally read the actual printed words and was rather disappointed to find that we’d been sugar-coating things all along after all. “Heartily” is quite different from “hardly.”