Dear State of Illinois,

I know you’ve got a lot going on right now and that taking suggestions from outsiders is probably low on the list of priorities. Even so, I thought I’d offer you an idea that could save you angst and money in the future.

Since it seems that putting governors in prison is becoming somewhat of a hobby over there, I thought you might want to alter the kinds of compensation you offer incoming governors, specifically their retirement benefits. Prison is an expensive place to stay, and it seems like making some provision for those expenses before the end of the governor’s term would really streamline the process. So it makes sense to have a gubernatorial retirement package that can either be paid out as usual, or paid to the state should incarceration become necessary. If there were also a gubenatorial wing on the prison, then governors could work through their terms of office knowing that they’d be put to pasture with like-minded individuals.

Not only would there be a ready-made fund to draw on when each new governor is found guilty, but the state could rest easier knowing that it has its bases covered, and the governors could get farther in their post-incarceration therapy sessions knowing that they were, in fact, paying for their actions.

Think of it as a pre-nup, but for governors.

Best of luck with your current trial, and I hope the weather is nice there this summer.

Love,
Iris