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A Less Modest Proposal: DUCAS

I’ve been inspired by Congress’ care for school children. The idea that they’re willing to take radical and questionably popular steps to safeguard these developing minds really gives me the warm-fuzzies. So, in the spirit of safeguarding school children from influences that could harm them, I propose my own bill: DUCAS. DUCAS has the potential to save children from a leading cause of death. Yes, that’s right, I will save these children from obesity. I will Delete Unhealthy Calories At School.

Here’s my thought process. Calories cause us to be fat. Not all of them, I know. But you never know which calorie will glom on to your ribs or stomach. In fact, I would argue that while children are unlikely to meet an online predator very often, they are quite likely to ingest one of these fat-causing calories fairly frequently if not every day (thinking of the kind of food they serve in schools). In order to save children from these potential killers, I propose that we shield students from all calories at school. Who’s with me?

Are you ready to stop obesity and all the negative health and social effects associated with that condition? Do you love this nation’s children? Then join me in proposing legislation that will radically change our nation’s future; join me in proposing DUCAS.

In conclusion, I would like to thank Congress for drafting DOPA (PDF), which continues to inspire me. I would also like to thank Jonathan Swift for keeping imagination alive and for not being afraid to take radical measures to solve national problems.

2 thoughts on “A Less Modest Proposal: DUCAS

  1. I think you might have a winner of an idea here. Will virtually-zero-calorie foods like celery be given the ixnay as well? I’d certainly like to see a lunch period with platters and platters of fresh celery. Mmmm.

  2. No, because I think the strength of this bill is that it doesn’t allow for exceptions. Exceptions are a slippery slope. And what if you have a calorie-challenged student who will end up getting fat on celery? No, I think water is all that we can, in good conscience, give to these children. After all, we can’t afford to compromise when we’re talking about the future citizens of our fine democracy.

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